AHHHH!

I screwed it up... I really think I did... but he is the only thing I have thought about...
I swear, even before we dated, I thought of him EVERY day for MONTHS... and now I cant go five minutes without thinking about him! And he said we'd get back together after a short break... and then today, he said we wont... His EXACT words were "It will end the same"... which is the reason I didn't want to go into the relationship the FIRST time, I was SO afraid of losing my best friend... and now, I haven't slept in 9 days, and I haven't gone 5 minutes without thinking of him... why??? Why did I have to be like that... and WHY did I have to point fingers and pretend I was upset... what good did it do... I overreacted to a SMALL argument and a SMALLER disagreement, and now that I see his side, HE IS WALKING AWAY... and I am counting every step he takes... and he is walking uphill, and I have no legs... so, I am just stuck, using every ounce of strength to catch him, but never even reaching half the speed he goes... and originally, I made EVERY excuse....
and now, I decided not to drink anymore...
and I decided to put more trust in him!
and he is GONE... like that, before I could ever tell him I was wrong to point fingers, and I was wrong to be acting that way... and yeah, I have made bad choices... but he made me a better person... and I fucked up... and like that... he is gone, and I lay here, for 9, now 10 nights in a row, crying, and thinking to myself... WHY AM I SO STUPID...
I have quit throwing my pillows, and taking things out on inanimate objects... and I am doing all this thinking he will never love me again... and it just upsets me to have these habits, because I am reminded of why I lost him!

He is the only person I trust up here... and I lost him because I made him think I didn't trust him... I don't really trust anyone anymore... Christi even seems to distant to talk to... and Kevin is all I had... And now he doesn't want anything to do with me...

Kevin... I am SO sorry... I hope we can work something out... and if now, I hope you have a happy life, with somebody who doesn't make that same stupid mistake I did... You do deserve somebody great...
I am so... SO sorry! I still do love you... I had a connection there... And it hurts me to see you even in the hallway... When I saw you after school the other day, the reason it took so long to spit it out, is because I was telling myself not to cry...
If nothing else, can you atleast say you forgive me... and still be my BFFAEAEAE? <---inside joke for all other readers...

Wish

Sometimes I wish I could look at my blog, and put everything into words that were as powerful as my feelings. Right now, I want to cry... like WANT to... and I want my blog to capture every moment of it... not for the world to see, but for the sake of preserving the feeling somewhere that I can look back on it and truly understand.... so i will never forget what it feels like... =(
No, it's not a good feeling... but still... its a feeling... and in order to prevent feeling this way in the future, I must remember what it feels like

Pissed.

I am pissed about something I shouldn't be. Knoxilee news is SO stupid... Knoxville thinks university football and republicans are the only important thing in America. On the news, instead of covering HAITI, which I think is more important, they have stupid stories on the local football coach who up and left, irrelevant to the rest of the world.... but god forbid they don't have a good season...
oh, and FYI, my team has beat yours for YEARS now... so cover some real news and get over yourself! grrrr

Guideline

Guidleline number 1 of my life:
Always have a back-up plan for 'trusted people...'

Crying

So... Kevin and I broke up last weekend. It hasn't hit me really until today... He was my crying shoulder when I lost people before... And I called like 5 people tonight... NOBODY answered... all to busy I guess... and then Kevin thinks that I didn't trust him... I got mad because he stayed the night at another girls house... and used trust as something to hold against him. In reality, I wasn't mad... I was jealous... that he would rather spend time with that group of friends than me... and I was hurt...
and now, I have been crying for two hours, and Kevin said he is ANGRY with me because I didn't trust him, when in reality, he was the only person left that I trusted... now I feel alone... like... I have nobody

Rules of my life

So, my friend Wilson, who is amazing, is posting "Rules of his life"
well, instead of RULES, I want to post 'Guidelines of my life'
So, whenever they come to mind, I will post something you need to know to survive in my shoes!

BOREDOM!

BASIC INFORMATION

Name: Sami
Birthday: July 18, 1992
Shoe Size: 9
Hair Colour: Dark brown, a copper tint
Eye Colour: BROWN
Relationship Status: <3
Zodiac: Cancer
School: Seymour
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FAVOURITES

Colour: Green
Male Celebrity: Will Smith
Female Celebrity: Ellen Degeneres
Shoes: My boots, or my SLIPPERS
Brand: Chanel... but when in a cash cruncher, I will settle for walmart! haha
Book: The Georgia Nicholson Series
Sport: Cheerleading
TV Show: Glee!
School Colours: Blue and Orange (GO GATORS!)
Drink: SWEET TEA!
Food: Shrimp!
Gum: Wintergreen
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NAME SOMETHING THAT STARTS WITH

A: Animals
B: Brilliant
C: Caring
D: Drama
E: Evergreen
F: Fireflies
G: Grace
H: Happiness
I: Intuition
J: Joy
K: Kindness
L: Love
M: Magic
N: Neverland
O: Open Mindedness
P: Presence
Q: Questions
R: Rivers
S: Sea
T: Trust
U: Understanding
V: Voice
W: Will
X: eXtraordinary
Y: Youthful
Z: Zeal
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FIRST PERSON YOU THINK OF

Food: Niki!
Fashionista: Brittany
Locker: Christi
Tall: Me
Short: Mama Tank
Fat: Niki. LOL. ILY
Gorgeous: Niki... hehe
Best Friend: Brittany...
Silly: Kevin
Retarded: Me
Blonde: Kevin
Fun: Kevin
Cute: Kevin
Hot: Kodi =P
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LOVE

Have a Crush: Yes
Do they like you back: Yes
Or are you in a Relationship Now: Yes
If Someone Likes You: ?
Prefer Tall or Short: Tall
__________________________________________________
5..

5 FAVOURITE MOVIES
1. ALL the harry potters
2. Hitch
3. Finding Nemo
4. I Am legend
5. The hangover

5 FAVOURITE CELEBRITIES
1. Will Smith
2. Ellen Degeneres
3. Kathy Griffin
4. Tina Fey
5. Johnny Depp

5 REASONS TO LIKE SOMEONE
1. Chemistry
2. Sense of humor
3. Head on straight
4. Attractive
5. Spontaneous

5 THINGS YOU FIND IN YOUR ROOM
1. Amy Steinberg poster
2. Candy (hidden)
3. Beads
4. Shoes (lots)
5. Photo albums

5 THINGS YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT
1. Cell phone
2. Facebook
3. Candy
4. Funyuns
5. Sweet Tea

5 BEST SONGS
1. Hope- Amy Steinberg
2. Hands- Jewel
3. So Unsexy- Alanis
4. Love is Free- Sheryl Crow
5. Steady Flow- LeRoy White

5 BEST ARTISTS/BANDS
1. Alanis
2. Jewel
3. Amy Steinberg
4. Sheryl Crow
5. LeRoy White

5 BEST BRANDS/STORES
1. Walmart
2. Chanel
3. Target
4. 5-7-9
5. Coldwater Creek
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QUESTIONS

1. Have an obsession? MAYBE
2. Where do you plan to go this summer? Florida, Kansas, Missouri, North Carolina, Colorado, Georgia
3. What Month is it? January!!!! New YEAR!
4. Anything big coming up? Everything big is coming up... the rest of my LIFE
5. Why are you doing this? I needed to fill time waiting for a reply from Kristal, who had wanted a baby sitter
6. Like your parents? LOVE them!
7. Do you sleep with a teddy bear? No... I sleep with a turtle... given to me by bricky!
8. Do you eat when your nervous? YES!
9. Own a dress? Lots
10. Are you a fast typer? Yes... otherwise I wouldnt waste my time on this crap... lol
11. Do you wanna have kids? When I am in my late TWENTIES, I would START considering adopting
12. Who do you usually have Christmas dinner with? Grandparents?
13. Who do you celebrate New Years with? Different EVERY year!
14. Where do you live? At my house
15. Have you made a cootie catcher in your younger years? I STILL make those when I am bored... lol
16. Plans this weekend? Yep. Niki and me, hitting the town... lol
17. To your left is: a wall?
18. To your right is: A piano
19. In your pocket is: I don't have pockets
20. Nervous about anything? Nope
21. Scared of the Dark? Nope
22. Have any phobias? Yep!
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THE END

Happy your done? Sorta
What are you gonna do now? Publish this, and do another?

Never

The greatest advice I ever received was from a man who I consider to be wise beyond most humans. I think it is because of his warm and open heart, that he is able to tap into the words that need said to make everyone feel better. The words he gave me, that I will NEVER forget: "It just is."
If I could live forever, I wouldn't want to. Seeing people leave me would be too much... If I could have 1 wish, I would be able to understand peoples thoughts better. I may be 17, but I have seen a lot... I have lived through a lot, and at the same time, I feel that I know nothing... in proportion to what there is to learn.
I never want to quit learning...
I never want to be forgotten...
I never want to be left behind...
I never want to be arrogant...
I never want to betray...
I never want to be lost...
I never want to see you turn your back on me... but sometimes we don't get what we want...
and I suppose all that happens is MEANT to!