I love you.

I don't know you,
dear, but I love you.
I want to know you,
but I haven't that
option. All I can
really do now is
love you

So, whoops

I accidentally saved last weeks post as a draft instead of a post... so you didn't see it...
It basically said that I have a resolution to right this year to fight depression... so I will continue blogging... I will have to figure out how to re-post it... =\

Sort of random

My thoughts over the past few days have been random... very random...
Juggling sticks
scraped toe
texting
surprise party
my boyfriend met jeanne
and i was excited
and I know this sounds weird, but I am thrilled to introduce Jeanne to my boyfriend, because if you all recall, she was a major influence on my life... and I adore that two people who influence me so much, get to meet.

Rally

I went to another church retreat...
and from that:
I have seen auras of people, all meshing as one bright white... I have seen people smiling and laughing. I have seen 200 teenagers from all over, dancing together as if nobody is watching. I have seen a room full of people come to life when a drum starts to play. I have seen people of all ages and backgrounds come together and hug each other. I have seen 200 teenagers scream to let negative energy out, and cry when the positive intake overwhelmed them.
I have danced to the rhythm of my soul
I have slept on a canoe as people sang joyous tunes all around in their own boats.
I have let go of my fear for a moment, long enough to forget it, and enjoy a song.
I have laid down on a floor, and been moved to tears by words, .
I have colored a mask that I hide behind...
I have thrown that mask away
I have met the most inspirational people around
I have met tomorrows great thinkers
I have spent time learning about other people
I have danced around like a 4 year old.
I have walked up to people I didn't know, to blow bubbles at them.
I have sang Bob Marley and The Beatles while joining hands with many people.
I have cried on the shoulder of a trusted stranger...
I have seen people tie colored strings of yarn on their friends...
I have tied more than 50 pieces of yarn in somebodies hair.
I have eaten lunch with an idol of mine
I have done this in a 4 day period.
I have lived for less than 18 years...
what have you done?

And even with these events, it was not the best 4 days of my life... but it was still amazing

slacker

OOPS. I have been very bad about this whole thing. Between homecoming week, multiple feild trips, and sickness, i have not found much time to blog.
So basically... this is the dealio:
I have been seeing a chiropractor mondays, wednesdays, and fridays to correct my neck and junk
I have been seeing my boyfriend every tuesday...
I have been in school
I have been babysitting
I have been in Ohio...
I have been preparing for HC week
I have been in scholars bowl tournaments
I have been at scholars bowl practice
I have been in drama
I have been in debate
I have been helping prepare science club
I have been doing spanish work
I have been keeping an insight journal.
I have been trying to keep up with Algebra II
I have been in church
I have been fundraising
I have been teaching
I have been Hiking
I have been skating
I have been to a Renaissance Festival
I have been busy...
=)

the shit hits the fan

SO...
We had a tournament that we hosted at school for drama/debate...
and one of our 'leaders' decided to talk about our AMAZING coach... and say bad things to another team....
Giving us a bad name.
so... it was addressed today, and just like that... things BLOW up... and we find out that this kid went through a personal email inbox that belonged to our coach...
long story short... MY integrity ended up being the only positive about this afternoon...
Christi, aka Mrs. Ridley left school sick... and I was stuck with her classes and a sub... who was slightly less than sure of my ability to handle the class...
I mean... really...? I LIVE THERE!

y7e9

yesterday
or maybe the day before...
I was sitting with you...
but you somehow are gone...
for months according to the headstone
but how...
how does august turn to october.
and how dare it?
the world just keeps moving
why don't they wait for me...
why didn't you wait
until i was ready for you to leave?
see how you have left me...

continue

I am needing to continue blogging.
I miss it... and I have been getting depressed again. this was my vent... and I NEED it back...
so, again, I will resume AT LEAST once a week.
I have been feeling angry lately...
at dead people none-the-less...
I am SO mad at them for being gone... =(

Longest absence?

Been gone for a while. UBER busy with school and stuff. I figured some pictures were in order.

relationships?

I am in another relationship. no more Casey, that's for sure...
and I texted a couple people to tell them... and all at once, I felt like a teenager again. No longer carrying the weight of the world on my back. I was, in that very moment... a kid again... experiencing ups and downs, making mistakes, and finding myself.
I felt so very relieved to think: 'HMM... I don't HAVE to be a grown up yet! I CAN simply experience these teenager moments.'
I, by no means, am a typical teenager... but, it's nice to not have to feel like me... to be able to feel and experience some of the things I hear about....
pretty amazing, I must say.

Justih

Justin, my little brother is struggling in school. We decided to home school him!

In Christi's Room

I am in Christi's class right now. They are being chatty.... Whats new?
HAHA. Anyway... I am in a alright mood today... especially compared to yesterday.
This weekend, we went to Christi's daughter, Elle's, birthday party. Then I went into a lock-in for church to plan the lesson which we led in church yesterday. Christi and her kids were there, and my aunt brought her girls... we had the largest turn out of the quarter, and largest love-offering at the end. We sold ALL f our crafts in the sale, and successfully moved from one building to another. =)
I love the new building, as we have classrooms... and a nice place to meditate. xD pure excitement.

no posts.

Sorry. I have not posted. I have had too many deaths for one week... and I am just now deciding that that week is over... this is a new one. =)
I will be back to posting... maybe in christi's room tomorrow!

gone?

How is this for real?
One friend, suicide last night...
another, gone in what seemed to be a flash, even though we have expected it for years.
I am scared...
death is scary

Hello new begining!

HAHA. We have a new church building... sort of
We will have classrooms
and a sanctuary
=)
We voted today to move
and it was almost unanimous
I am psyched!

Gavin

Last night... I got a text from Christi telling me they were in the ER
Gavin broke his arm and needed surgery!
OUCH!

Gross boobs

SOOOO. I was walking through the mall with Julianna in Florida, and I say "HMMMM.... I wonder if that mannequin has real boobs?! "
S0...
My experimant concludes: fake.
HAHAHA

Flying HIGH

I'm not high, but I am loving life. I had an awesome summer, and shared my story with many people...
and I am grateful... to have so many loving people no matter what.
Casey may be history... but I have been talking to a new person... more my type... xD
I love it

Everything is WONDEROUS

videooooo

doubtful thoughts

Do you ever feel like there is doubt in your mind? What happens next? And why can't God simply send us a true unexplainable proof of her existence?
I don't believe in hell, and I don't believe in the devil... but I do wonder why our faith is tested...
and I also wonder if it really is testing faith... or if there is simply nothing to look forward to after this... and if there is simply no god... how sad would that be? billions of people commit themselves to god...
and we don't even know if she exists.

Carmen.

If I could say anything to her right now, it would be this:
Carmen, I love you so much. I feel so blessed to have been a part of your life, and so blessed to have you influence mine. You are so inspirational, and I will never forget who you are. You are a great teacher, even outside of the classroom. Your optimism always brings a big smile to my face, and reminds me that the glass is always half full, even if it had to sit through a storm to get that way.
You have lived to the fullest, and touched so many peoples lives. I pray that God scoops you into her arms and cradles you until you are comfortable. May your journey be safe, and full of bliss. You will be missed by many, but we all may find comfort in knowing that God has you wrapped in a warm, comforting hug until we arrive after you.
Thank you for being.
Thank you for speaking.
Thank you for teaching.
Thank you.

Boy oh boy!

Today I went shopping. I love shopping.
I think I am feeling sort of pessimistic today. I don't like it at all.
I feel gross, and I feel like I am falling. I have a good feeling there is a trampoline at the bottom of this drop though... and I can jump up with everything I have. =)

Should anything ever happen to me... I don't want anyone to feel sadness like this... but I want to live to be the best person I can be...
I just never want my loved ones to have to mourn my death. It's a horrible pain that I hope they never feel because of me... I would not want to ever let them feel this...

I thought I'd share an Amy Steinberg quote:
"Snapshots of my life caught between raindrop memories of you and me. Standing in this quicksand I am sinking into memories of you and me. How can this be true? That all these years have passed, and I am still not over you. Oh, how can I still grieve over your memory?"

Today,,, oh how I dislike thee

Well, the title is only half true. it should be this afternoon that I dislike.
I woke up at a decent time
and headed to school for the day
because I am a weird person.
SOOOO.
I got there and did my peer
teaching stuff that i needed to
and I headed down to Christi's room

I got A LOVELY SET OF BIRTHDAY PRESENTS
and I adore them
I picked on Christi
which is a hobby of mine

THEN...
I came home
and mom lost her jopb
and Carmen is in the hospital
and isn't expected to pull through the weekend.
and I am afraid

Look around

Can you take a minute. Consider every person you love. Not just family, and not friends, and not just romantic love.
Consider people you would cry for. Consider people who have given you anything, whether it be advice, knowledge, money, a hug... anything at all.
Now... imagine one person you know... a whole family you know.
You know these people... and care about them...
and you find out... one of them is going to die this week.
Now what do you do?
What do you say to them?
What about to their family?

I had this happen...
and spent 4 hours with the person...
knowing she would die...
and she is going to...
.but when?
I don't know.
The optimists all become pessimists at one point or another
and the loving all display hatred

Even if they return to who they once were...
they're all affected by the events

I love so many people.

Hay Dorkos Mio

So, Dorkanna and I made a Dorktionary in Dorklando. haha.
I already miss Orlando.
I came home yesterday, safe and sound, and TRULY miss Orlando once again... I feel like visiting almost put me back at square one....
but it was the single most enjoyable vacation I have ever taken!

Pics in Flo-ho

Beach Dayyyys

I woke up at 5:30 to catch the sunrise in the harbor. I snuck into Arianna's room and quietly woke her as a way to spend our time together. She has BAD middle child syndrome. We hit it off well though, so I offered to let her walk with me this morning, and she asked to tag along... so we were at the beach for sunrise.
Then we came back to the condo, and we slept again until breakfast.
We went OUT to the beach a little later. We say little nurse sharks, and then when low tide rolled in, we saw dolphins and swam out to meet them. I got about 3 feet away, buit I didn't touch because of the laws....
ANYWHO....
We came back, went to the pool, played racketball... and OH... wait until you hear this:
Deanna sat at the beach all day, and ended up with a triangular sunburn on her tummy.
We couldn't figure out how it happened... and then I realized, it was because her BOOBS casted a shadow on her tummy... lol

Whorelando, sweet homescre

Today... oh well, today was an entire movie worth of drama... let me tell you... hehe
So... I woke up to the sound of Kristianna (squishy face) screaming bloody murder. Apparently she was playing with her daddy... at 6:45 AM. No problem, as I am a morning person. I planned on waking up within the hour anyway.
THEN, I wake Julianna up for my plans with her... I do this at about 8:30 or 9. She wakes up, and gets ready and we head out.
We walk up to our bus stop, and the first bus successfully takes us to our destination 1. We transfer to bus 2, and apparentle, HEADING east is not enough for the bus to be EASTbound.
SOOOOO... We get the pleasure of a 3-4 HOUR trip around orlando, just touring my home town.
Lots of crazy events...
I spent 120 dollars today
I am expensive
but I am happy with myself
I talked to Carmen... sweetheart she is.....
I called, and she was happy to hear from me.
Makes me cry to think od her will. I love her so much... =)

Todays events

woke up
drove to dentist
they drilles
and clamped
i bled
i cried
dentist pissed me off
we scheduled another appointment
we left
we drove home
i called rebecca
it made me laugh
i fell asleep
i woke up
went to walmart
picked out razors
got toothpaste
passed hair dye isle
went back to hair dye isle
bought hair dye
regained feeling in my gums
ouch
came home
it stormed
my new cell phone arrived
talked to deanna
talked to melissa
talked to brittany
talked to christi
put hairdye in
talked to melissa
rinsed hairdye
took 20 pictures trying to get the dye to show up
posted this blog
went to bed
woke up
went to chiropractor
went to lunch
went to pilot store
went to air port
checked in
got on plane
arrived in orlando
rode with cara
went to brittany's
HOPEFULLY I will post the NEXT events from brittany's...
Love you...

Whorelando

My home town... WHORElando.
I love that place.
I'll be there in less than 24 hours.
In 48 hours, I will have eaten lunch with Carmen...
and in 72 hours I will be at waterford...
and in 96 hours... I'll be at the beach <3

Approaching 200

I am approaching 200 posts...

AND...
Today, my LOVER and I went out...
I talked with Melissa last night... and told her everything.... so I stopped by her SHOP today to say hello... <3
but anyway... Brandon and I went out and about today... We started with getting in the mini-van, cause his car broke down....
we headed to Melissa's work, and she was shampooing her daughters hair...
She is such a cutie....
ANYWHO...
she gave me a free eyebrow wax, and I showed her Carmen's charm bracelet.
Then Brandon and I went to Panchos, Seymours ONLY mexican restaurant. Technically not in Seymour...
AND THEN
we went to walmart...
and bought a movie....
the end.