Here comes political Sami

I rarely blog about heated political topics, but here I go:
 All the people posting pissy things about gun control are making me so upset. Check your motives... if the most upsetting thing for you about the tragedy that took place Friday is your frickin' guns, you should really get your priorities straight. I am pretty sure the people who we have put in charge are aware criminals won't follow laws, but putting some regulations into affect are a damn good idea, and if you are against regulations, it's probably because you won't meet them, and therefore should not own a gun anyway.
There were 20 (twenty)... got that, TWENTY... six and seven year old boys and girls brutally murdered.... the spark in their eyes will never be seen again, and their parents and families could never have known when they dropped them off, they would never pick them up.
They never grew old enough to move beyond elementary school, or to pursue their dreams. They had talents, gifts, and innocence. Many of them had probably never even seen a gun in real life, only in movies... and their lives were taken, just like that. It's sad, tragic even... and there are people out there, that immediately have an instinct to protect their GUNS?
I understand not wanting them taken away, but that is not what gun control means... the constitution protects you dumbasses from that (unfortunately). Did you pay attention in school?
Nobody is gonna knock on your door demanding you surrender all firearms.  We just want stricter laws... to  keep people like this deranged man from getting ahold of guns... and if you have a problem with that you don't deserve your damn gun!

evolution of a christmas mermaid

Art work time...

So, a lot of you know my best friend lives VERY far from me. A few states away... but here is something amazing... We get to spend the first week of January together. I am so excited... We are gonna celebrate a slightly belated Christmas... and when I asked what she wanted from me, she was quick to describe an oil pastel mermaid on a canvas, with wild hair, and some feminine sex appeal... large enough to hang over her bed in her house...
This is the 3rd piece of art I have completed for her... So far, this is the rough idea I have of what I'm doing.  When done in pastel, she will have wild blonde hair with little bits of pink. Her fin, still not certain... and she will be surrounded by jellyfish.
When I first started sketching ideas, she had big round eyes, to indicate innocence... and while that is definitely symbolic of my best friend, those of us who know her can attest to her misleading innocent look... She also originally had a more revealing bust, but I decided to re-position the arm, once again, misleading innocence in the portrait.
When my younger cousin saw it, she said she looked like a stripper, so I may or may not keep the pose if a 14 year old girl thinks it looks like a stripper... Nothing wrong with strippers, trust me, I love some stripper time! But, in all honestly, I want the innocence to balance with the sex appeal... more evolution of this project to come <3 br="br">

Today's Tragedy

The tragedy today, of course affected me emotionally. As most of you know, I lost a pregnancy in 2011... and it was rather traumatic. But, over the last year or so, I really have bonded with my best friend's kids... and her daughter I consider to be my niece... and quite frankly, I know with everything  in my heart, if it ever came down to it, I would gladly have her in my home any time, any circumstances... she always has a safe place here... She is in 5th grade... and the whole day, watching the news, all I could think about was hugging her, while tears streamed down my face...
It has been a really sad day for the nation... and it makes me scared for the future... but also gives me hope when I see the nation react this way... with love, empathy, and condolence. <3 p="p">

The Flu

So, my temperature is at 102.7° F.
I am cranky, achy, and emotional. Not to mention dehydrated... I have watched 3 seasons of Americas Next Top Model... and I am exhausted, but can't sleep... and my face is breaking out in hives... erghhh
Figured I could blog. It's been a boring 48 hrs.
Not even sure I can write about much...
However, I did find out that I am gonna get to see 4 of my bestest friends in less than 3 weeks... So, that has brought me smiles through all of this!

Ju-Bug

So... My cousin, Julynn... she has been hard to write about...
Let me start with the back story. When I was born, Julynn was still too young to sleep without her stuffed animals... But she was a couple years older than me, so through our childhood, she was the older cousin... the cool, big-kid... and the role model. We argued, and then we got through that stage...
I remember her dressed in Roxy, in high school, going to the beach whenever she had a chance... Flip-flops... Hawaiian flowers, and TLC's No Scrubs... Dancing, laughter, and fashion.

Wednesday, November 14th... I got an unexpected message from the only person I have ever been in love with... he wanted to clear the air, start fresh... and I accepted an invitation to dinner. He called for instructions to get to the house, and I was on the phone with him, when I got a text from my dad, reading "CALL ME ASAP."
No explanation... nothing but caps, and a period... obviously it was vital that I called.
When he answered my call, he asked me where I was, if I was working, and who's company I was in. I told him I was with Danielle, one of my dear friends... and he quickly said "Julynn was found dead in her apartment. We think she overdosed on something."
My knees instantly got weak... and leaned against the wall and lowered myself to the ground. Of course, my luck would be hearing this news while the person who I am already most vulnerable around is waiting on me to leave the house.
Instantly I numbed... I had to be selfish to make it through. I pretended I didn't care that she was gone... and I had a BLAST that night... but then, when I came home... it was silent... it was dark... and there were no distractions...
Just the reality that my most recent text from Ju-bug was the last. She wouldn't be coming to visit for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years. We weren't going to party for my birthday like we planned... and I couldn't introduce her to my children... I would never see her smile again... and I would never get a smart ass comment from her again. She wouldn't make it to Jacksonville in Feb when we wanted to meet up... and I couldn't stay in St. Pete with her at Halloween. I wouldn't see her wedding, and she wouldn't see mine... and what we experienced together in the past was all it would ever be. I missed the last chance to see her for a concert... and a week of uninterrupted time with my boyfriend.

And there I sat. alone... in the dark... I couldn't cry hard enough to get it out of my system, so I gave up on crying.
I just sat. Silent.

And then the results from the autopsy came in... Some suspected a suicide, and some thought it was a murder. What I heard next I wasn't prepared for:
Julynn slipped, getting into her shower while it was running. She hit her head on the faucet, and gave herself a concussion. She fell, and her face plugged the drain, causing her to drown
So, it was an accident. Nobody to blame... nobody wanted it... literally. She wasn't trying to escape. She wasn't trying to do this. She wasn't hurt BY somebody... She just had started dinner in the oven... and she had her fiance on his way over... she wanted a sweet night...
I haven't slept in weeks... but I know I'll get through... but either way.... it's SO sad.

Jacksonville, my love. Knoxville, my love

Jacksonville.

Pros:
The Ocean.
The Night Life
The Weather

My best friend
My church
Colleges to choose from

The River
Clean Slate

Knoxville

Pros:

The mountains

The community

Snowy winters

the LOVE of my life

Friends

the wild life

The River

Family

Professional Connections

My loves? Why can't you be closer together?

The difference

Many people say that the ideal partner is 2 things: A best friend, and somebody you are physically attracted to.
Yet, I have multiple people, all my best friends for different reasons. I think each of them is physically beautiful, as well as the spirit within them.
So does this mean I have multiple soul mates? Does this mean I could theoretically live a happy life with any one of these wonderful friends... and at what point does a relationship jeopardize a friendship? If it is a true unconditional love, will you ever be able to not love them? And do you necessarily want to?

Well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized... we fall in love with EVERY friend we have. We have that brief moment in time where we want to know everything about them... we want to learn, and there is so much you are finding out about each other... it's all that matters in your world for a brief moment... but it passes, usually quickly... but then in the situation of a soul mate... it never passes...

Something I guess I need to write about

So, Lets journey back to December 2007.
I was writing on this very blog... and I mentioned a lil fella who had my heart. I told you all he was the ONE....
Casey is his name... remember?
Some of you told me he was not the one... some of you said I was too young...
My grandmother looked that boy in the eye, and told me... He was the one.
Nevertheless, five months later, we parted ways... but then got back together, and split up again... I spent the next 4 and a half years trying to be mad at him, trying to get his face out of my head when I closed my eyes... and trying to not think of him when I smelled sage or basil... but I couldn't.
About 4 weeks ago, he decided to do something very sudden... and he messaged me... apologizing, telling me he had changed, and that his heart wouldn't let him quit loving me. And instantly, though I fought it... I melted into wanting him back again...
So what is this? Do some people really hold our heart in their hand? What if they hold our heart? Can we give our heart to more than one person?
So I got to thinking about it... and realized... though I have loved many people in the time of mine and Casey's relationship was out of site... did I ever give my heart to somebody else?
And then it hit me... I may have loved Kevin... I may have had my life all worked out with him... and not to mention, I was in love with how much he adored me...
I may have loved Ian, but once I realized that he didn't want to go further into a relationship than we had... which quite sincerely was based on like views, friendship, art, sex, and spirituality.... It wasn't worth fighting for... I wanted a future... but not bad enough to fight for it...
So why with Casey, could I not settle for "friends with benefits"? Why did I melt into his arms when I hugged him, and why was I fighting for somebody I had not seen in a year? Why did he get to waltz right back into my life, and sweep me off my feet when I wanted to be mad at him? I wanted to see him in pain... and I was never letting him have my heart again...
And it hit me... He had it all along.
I know him... he doesn't need to reassure me... or tell me he loves me... I already feel comfortable in his presence.
And I can't fight it.
Maybe one of the others I fell for will be the one, and maybe I will still be on the journey to meet him... but for now, in this moment... I am overwhelmed with a sense of knowing... that I am in love... and it is OK