Ju-Bug

So... My cousin, Julynn... she has been hard to write about...
Let me start with the back story. When I was born, Julynn was still too young to sleep without her stuffed animals... But she was a couple years older than me, so through our childhood, she was the older cousin... the cool, big-kid... and the role model. We argued, and then we got through that stage...
I remember her dressed in Roxy, in high school, going to the beach whenever she had a chance... Flip-flops... Hawaiian flowers, and TLC's No Scrubs... Dancing, laughter, and fashion.

Wednesday, November 14th... I got an unexpected message from the only person I have ever been in love with... he wanted to clear the air, start fresh... and I accepted an invitation to dinner. He called for instructions to get to the house, and I was on the phone with him, when I got a text from my dad, reading "CALL ME ASAP."
No explanation... nothing but caps, and a period... obviously it was vital that I called.
When he answered my call, he asked me where I was, if I was working, and who's company I was in. I told him I was with Danielle, one of my dear friends... and he quickly said "Julynn was found dead in her apartment. We think she overdosed on something."
My knees instantly got weak... and leaned against the wall and lowered myself to the ground. Of course, my luck would be hearing this news while the person who I am already most vulnerable around is waiting on me to leave the house.
Instantly I numbed... I had to be selfish to make it through. I pretended I didn't care that she was gone... and I had a BLAST that night... but then, when I came home... it was silent... it was dark... and there were no distractions...
Just the reality that my most recent text from Ju-bug was the last. She wouldn't be coming to visit for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years. We weren't going to party for my birthday like we planned... and I couldn't introduce her to my children... I would never see her smile again... and I would never get a smart ass comment from her again. She wouldn't make it to Jacksonville in Feb when we wanted to meet up... and I couldn't stay in St. Pete with her at Halloween. I wouldn't see her wedding, and she wouldn't see mine... and what we experienced together in the past was all it would ever be. I missed the last chance to see her for a concert... and a week of uninterrupted time with my boyfriend.

And there I sat. alone... in the dark... I couldn't cry hard enough to get it out of my system, so I gave up on crying.
I just sat. Silent.

And then the results from the autopsy came in... Some suspected a suicide, and some thought it was a murder. What I heard next I wasn't prepared for:
Julynn slipped, getting into her shower while it was running. She hit her head on the faucet, and gave herself a concussion. She fell, and her face plugged the drain, causing her to drown
So, it was an accident. Nobody to blame... nobody wanted it... literally. She wasn't trying to escape. She wasn't trying to do this. She wasn't hurt BY somebody... She just had started dinner in the oven... and she had her fiance on his way over... she wanted a sweet night...
I haven't slept in weeks... but I know I'll get through... but either way.... it's SO sad.