I screwed it up... I really think I did... but he is the only thing I have thought about...
I swear, even before we dated, I thought of him EVERY day for MONTHS... and now I cant go five minutes without thinking about him! And he said we'd get back together after a short break... and then today, he said we wont... His EXACT words were "It will end the same"... which is the reason I didn't want to go into the relationship the FIRST time, I was SO afraid of losing my best friend... and now, I haven't slept in 9 days, and I haven't gone 5 minutes without thinking of him... why??? Why did I have to be like that... and WHY did I have to point fingers and pretend I was upset... what good did it do... I overreacted to a SMALL argument and a SMALLER disagreement, and now that I see his side, HE IS WALKING AWAY... and I am counting every step he takes... and he is walking uphill, and I have no legs... so, I am just stuck, using every ounce of strength to catch him, but never even reaching half the speed he goes... and originally, I made EVERY excuse....
and now, I decided not to drink anymore...
and I decided to put more trust in him!
and he is GONE... like that, before I could ever tell him I was wrong to point fingers, and I was wrong to be acting that way... and yeah, I have made bad choices... but he made me a better person... and I fucked up... and like that... he is gone, and I lay here, for 9, now 10 nights in a row, crying, and thinking to myself... WHY AM I SO STUPID...
I have quit throwing my pillows, and taking things out on inanimate objects... and I am doing all this thinking he will never love me again... and it just upsets me to have these habits, because I am reminded of why I lost him!
He is the only person I trust up here... and I lost him because I made him think I didn't trust him... I don't really trust anyone anymore... Christi even seems to distant to talk to... and Kevin is all I had... And now he doesn't want anything to do with me...
Kevin... I am SO sorry... I hope we can work something out... and if now, I hope you have a happy life, with somebody who doesn't make that same stupid mistake I did... You do deserve somebody great...
I am so... SO sorry! I still do love you... I had a connection there... And it hurts me to see you even in the hallway... When I saw you after school the other day, the reason it took so long to spit it out, is because I was telling myself not to cry...
If nothing else, can you atleast say you forgive me... and still be my BFFAEAEAE? <---inside joke for all other readers...
It's been my experience that chasing after boyfriends/girlfriends that express disinterest is a waste of time and effort. If they really do appreciate/understand one, they will return of their own volition. If they don't - well one's better off without them so one can find someone who does appreciate/understand one.
ReplyDeleteThere are a LOT of fish in the sea. Often when one is in a relationship one tells oneself "This is it!" or "This is true love" and one wakes up and smells the coffee a few (days/weeks/months) later to realize it was something else.
So don't lose sleep over it. If you apologize for lacking trust and he snubs you anyway then it's now his problem. He's not forgiving or understanding. He's not willing to work on the relationship. Each relationship is a stepping stone and a learning experience. Sometimes guys (and girls) wait for a reason to walk away. They may already have emotionally left the relationship somewhat and then await an opening to split.
If all this relationship does is make you a wiser/better person and gets you to give up bad habits - that's already a silver lining in a dark cloud.
You'll pull through - and eventually you'll find someone else. Someone who will love you completely - any flaws included. A package deal.
hello! came to ur blog for some reason, lol. & i found it nice! i like the layouts and stuff haha. i'm just fourteen lol. visit my diary! i only have two entries so far haha.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.opendiary.com/itsenaa
comment? :D thanks! :)
Hello my name is Jade and Im 23 just saw your blog. Its really strange cos I was flicking through the blogs and was thinking most of these peeps r writing bout flowers and weather(not that there is any thing wrong with that)then I came across yours and thought I wanna keep reading.That emotion that you put in your writing will take you far as I feel most of the time I can only write when I am sad but sadness seems to be inspiring anyway just wanted to say your not alone with the heartbreak thing but Im sure you will be cool in time theres gonna be plenty more of him any way Hi check out my blog sometime x
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