Sometimes

I wonder where I'll be in 20 years... how much will I succeed? Where will my flaws be, and what will I regret? Hell... I wonder about 2 years from now... humm... random thought of the day

Scream at it, praise it, and stab it in the back!

Great weekend. I went to the movies and saw Valentines Day with Brandon. <3 Love Love Love Love. Then I came home, got on facebook... and for some unknown reason, Kevin deleted my facebook page... and I cried for a moment... screamed about it, and packed up and went to the Hilton resort to see some family staying in town for a couple days.
Then yesterday, I had church... and we went to 3 retirement homes after we left the church, and gave out Valentines hugs and "kisses." <3
Yeah, life is good... but I am so pissed about him deleting me... it really confuses me.

I also miss

Kevin knowing what was wrong before anyone...
just saying. He changed his profile picture today and it was a picture of HIM for the first time in months... and I cried... wtf?
ANYWAY
I had a good day aside from that.
Mommy and Sami hit the town, and got our nails done.
I felt understood for the first time since everything died.
That's how I address that dark time: When everything dies...
hmmmm...
Life is better every day. I still feel incomplete... listen to that song: Incomplete by Alanis... its in my playlist right there -->

You know?

You know what I miss:
I miss 3 am chats with Jeanne... lol...
I miss laughing till my stomach hurts on the phone with Raydel
I miss starbucks with Brittany
I miss acting with Kevin
I miss understanding people like Casey
I miss crying on Dixies shoulder
I miss reading bible verses that promote homosexuality with Judi
I miss skinny dipping with Brittany
I miss singing with Cassie
I miss 1st period with Brandon.
I miss Wet'n'Wild with Anna and Brit
I miss spending 7 hours at the mall with Julianna
I miss movies with Hannah
I miss Piña Coladas with Deanna
I miss hiking with Christi
I miss feeling welcome by people
I miss stopping by Carmen's room before school every day and laughing at her goofy husband.
I miss running away from Price trying to throw his shoe at me for forgetting my lines.
I miss laughing until I cried with Judy
I miss singing along with Amy at stardust
I miss being tossed 10 feet in the air while Dara screamed advice at me.

AHHHH!

I screwed it up... I really think I did... but he is the only thing I have thought about...
I swear, even before we dated, I thought of him EVERY day for MONTHS... and now I cant go five minutes without thinking about him! And he said we'd get back together after a short break... and then today, he said we wont... His EXACT words were "It will end the same"... which is the reason I didn't want to go into the relationship the FIRST time, I was SO afraid of losing my best friend... and now, I haven't slept in 9 days, and I haven't gone 5 minutes without thinking of him... why??? Why did I have to be like that... and WHY did I have to point fingers and pretend I was upset... what good did it do... I overreacted to a SMALL argument and a SMALLER disagreement, and now that I see his side, HE IS WALKING AWAY... and I am counting every step he takes... and he is walking uphill, and I have no legs... so, I am just stuck, using every ounce of strength to catch him, but never even reaching half the speed he goes... and originally, I made EVERY excuse....
and now, I decided not to drink anymore...
and I decided to put more trust in him!
and he is GONE... like that, before I could ever tell him I was wrong to point fingers, and I was wrong to be acting that way... and yeah, I have made bad choices... but he made me a better person... and I fucked up... and like that... he is gone, and I lay here, for 9, now 10 nights in a row, crying, and thinking to myself... WHY AM I SO STUPID...
I have quit throwing my pillows, and taking things out on inanimate objects... and I am doing all this thinking he will never love me again... and it just upsets me to have these habits, because I am reminded of why I lost him!

He is the only person I trust up here... and I lost him because I made him think I didn't trust him... I don't really trust anyone anymore... Christi even seems to distant to talk to... and Kevin is all I had... And now he doesn't want anything to do with me...

Kevin... I am SO sorry... I hope we can work something out... and if now, I hope you have a happy life, with somebody who doesn't make that same stupid mistake I did... You do deserve somebody great...
I am so... SO sorry! I still do love you... I had a connection there... And it hurts me to see you even in the hallway... When I saw you after school the other day, the reason it took so long to spit it out, is because I was telling myself not to cry...
If nothing else, can you atleast say you forgive me... and still be my BFFAEAEAE? <---inside joke for all other readers...

Wish

Sometimes I wish I could look at my blog, and put everything into words that were as powerful as my feelings. Right now, I want to cry... like WANT to... and I want my blog to capture every moment of it... not for the world to see, but for the sake of preserving the feeling somewhere that I can look back on it and truly understand.... so i will never forget what it feels like... =(
No, it's not a good feeling... but still... its a feeling... and in order to prevent feeling this way in the future, I must remember what it feels like

Pissed.

I am pissed about something I shouldn't be. Knoxilee news is SO stupid... Knoxville thinks university football and republicans are the only important thing in America. On the news, instead of covering HAITI, which I think is more important, they have stupid stories on the local football coach who up and left, irrelevant to the rest of the world.... but god forbid they don't have a good season...
oh, and FYI, my team has beat yours for YEARS now... so cover some real news and get over yourself! grrrr

Guideline

Guidleline number 1 of my life:
Always have a back-up plan for 'trusted people...'

Crying

So... Kevin and I broke up last weekend. It hasn't hit me really until today... He was my crying shoulder when I lost people before... And I called like 5 people tonight... NOBODY answered... all to busy I guess... and then Kevin thinks that I didn't trust him... I got mad because he stayed the night at another girls house... and used trust as something to hold against him. In reality, I wasn't mad... I was jealous... that he would rather spend time with that group of friends than me... and I was hurt...
and now, I have been crying for two hours, and Kevin said he is ANGRY with me because I didn't trust him, when in reality, he was the only person left that I trusted... now I feel alone... like... I have nobody

Rules of my life

So, my friend Wilson, who is amazing, is posting "Rules of his life"
well, instead of RULES, I want to post 'Guidelines of my life'
So, whenever they come to mind, I will post something you need to know to survive in my shoes!

BOREDOM!

BASIC INFORMATION

Name: Sami
Birthday: July 18, 1992
Shoe Size: 9
Hair Colour: Dark brown, a copper tint
Eye Colour: BROWN
Relationship Status: <3
Zodiac: Cancer
School: Seymour
__________________________________________________
FAVOURITES

Colour: Green
Male Celebrity: Will Smith
Female Celebrity: Ellen Degeneres
Shoes: My boots, or my SLIPPERS
Brand: Chanel... but when in a cash cruncher, I will settle for walmart! haha
Book: The Georgia Nicholson Series
Sport: Cheerleading
TV Show: Glee!
School Colours: Blue and Orange (GO GATORS!)
Drink: SWEET TEA!
Food: Shrimp!
Gum: Wintergreen
__________________________________________________
NAME SOMETHING THAT STARTS WITH

A: Animals
B: Brilliant
C: Caring
D: Drama
E: Evergreen
F: Fireflies
G: Grace
H: Happiness
I: Intuition
J: Joy
K: Kindness
L: Love
M: Magic
N: Neverland
O: Open Mindedness
P: Presence
Q: Questions
R: Rivers
S: Sea
T: Trust
U: Understanding
V: Voice
W: Will
X: eXtraordinary
Y: Youthful
Z: Zeal
__________________________________________________
FIRST PERSON YOU THINK OF

Food: Niki!
Fashionista: Brittany
Locker: Christi
Tall: Me
Short: Mama Tank
Fat: Niki. LOL. ILY
Gorgeous: Niki... hehe
Best Friend: Brittany...
Silly: Kevin
Retarded: Me
Blonde: Kevin
Fun: Kevin
Cute: Kevin
Hot: Kodi =P
__________________________________________________
LOVE

Have a Crush: Yes
Do they like you back: Yes
Or are you in a Relationship Now: Yes
If Someone Likes You: ?
Prefer Tall or Short: Tall
__________________________________________________
5..

5 FAVOURITE MOVIES
1. ALL the harry potters
2. Hitch
3. Finding Nemo
4. I Am legend
5. The hangover

5 FAVOURITE CELEBRITIES
1. Will Smith
2. Ellen Degeneres
3. Kathy Griffin
4. Tina Fey
5. Johnny Depp

5 REASONS TO LIKE SOMEONE
1. Chemistry
2. Sense of humor
3. Head on straight
4. Attractive
5. Spontaneous

5 THINGS YOU FIND IN YOUR ROOM
1. Amy Steinberg poster
2. Candy (hidden)
3. Beads
4. Shoes (lots)
5. Photo albums

5 THINGS YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT
1. Cell phone
2. Facebook
3. Candy
4. Funyuns
5. Sweet Tea

5 BEST SONGS
1. Hope- Amy Steinberg
2. Hands- Jewel
3. So Unsexy- Alanis
4. Love is Free- Sheryl Crow
5. Steady Flow- LeRoy White

5 BEST ARTISTS/BANDS
1. Alanis
2. Jewel
3. Amy Steinberg
4. Sheryl Crow
5. LeRoy White

5 BEST BRANDS/STORES
1. Walmart
2. Chanel
3. Target
4. 5-7-9
5. Coldwater Creek
__________________________________________________
QUESTIONS

1. Have an obsession? MAYBE
2. Where do you plan to go this summer? Florida, Kansas, Missouri, North Carolina, Colorado, Georgia
3. What Month is it? January!!!! New YEAR!
4. Anything big coming up? Everything big is coming up... the rest of my LIFE
5. Why are you doing this? I needed to fill time waiting for a reply from Kristal, who had wanted a baby sitter
6. Like your parents? LOVE them!
7. Do you sleep with a teddy bear? No... I sleep with a turtle... given to me by bricky!
8. Do you eat when your nervous? YES!
9. Own a dress? Lots
10. Are you a fast typer? Yes... otherwise I wouldnt waste my time on this crap... lol
11. Do you wanna have kids? When I am in my late TWENTIES, I would START considering adopting
12. Who do you usually have Christmas dinner with? Grandparents?
13. Who do you celebrate New Years with? Different EVERY year!
14. Where do you live? At my house
15. Have you made a cootie catcher in your younger years? I STILL make those when I am bored... lol
16. Plans this weekend? Yep. Niki and me, hitting the town... lol
17. To your left is: a wall?
18. To your right is: A piano
19. In your pocket is: I don't have pockets
20. Nervous about anything? Nope
21. Scared of the Dark? Nope
22. Have any phobias? Yep!
__________________________________________________
THE END

Happy your done? Sorta
What are you gonna do now? Publish this, and do another?

Never

The greatest advice I ever received was from a man who I consider to be wise beyond most humans. I think it is because of his warm and open heart, that he is able to tap into the words that need said to make everyone feel better. The words he gave me, that I will NEVER forget: "It just is."
If I could live forever, I wouldn't want to. Seeing people leave me would be too much... If I could have 1 wish, I would be able to understand peoples thoughts better. I may be 17, but I have seen a lot... I have lived through a lot, and at the same time, I feel that I know nothing... in proportion to what there is to learn.
I never want to quit learning...
I never want to be forgotten...
I never want to be left behind...
I never want to be arrogant...
I never want to betray...
I never want to be lost...
I never want to see you turn your back on me... but sometimes we don't get what we want...
and I suppose all that happens is MEANT to!

I love you.

I don't know you,
dear, but I love you.
I want to know you,
but I haven't that
option. All I can
really do now is
love you

So, whoops

I accidentally saved last weeks post as a draft instead of a post... so you didn't see it...
It basically said that I have a resolution to right this year to fight depression... so I will continue blogging... I will have to figure out how to re-post it... =\

Sort of random

My thoughts over the past few days have been random... very random...
Juggling sticks
scraped toe
texting
surprise party
my boyfriend met jeanne
and i was excited
and I know this sounds weird, but I am thrilled to introduce Jeanne to my boyfriend, because if you all recall, she was a major influence on my life... and I adore that two people who influence me so much, get to meet.

Rally

I went to another church retreat...
and from that:
I have seen auras of people, all meshing as one bright white... I have seen people smiling and laughing. I have seen 200 teenagers from all over, dancing together as if nobody is watching. I have seen a room full of people come to life when a drum starts to play. I have seen people of all ages and backgrounds come together and hug each other. I have seen 200 teenagers scream to let negative energy out, and cry when the positive intake overwhelmed them.
I have danced to the rhythm of my soul
I have slept on a canoe as people sang joyous tunes all around in their own boats.
I have let go of my fear for a moment, long enough to forget it, and enjoy a song.
I have laid down on a floor, and been moved to tears by words, .
I have colored a mask that I hide behind...
I have thrown that mask away
I have met the most inspirational people around
I have met tomorrows great thinkers
I have spent time learning about other people
I have danced around like a 4 year old.
I have walked up to people I didn't know, to blow bubbles at them.
I have sang Bob Marley and The Beatles while joining hands with many people.
I have cried on the shoulder of a trusted stranger...
I have seen people tie colored strings of yarn on their friends...
I have tied more than 50 pieces of yarn in somebodies hair.
I have eaten lunch with an idol of mine
I have done this in a 4 day period.
I have lived for less than 18 years...
what have you done?

And even with these events, it was not the best 4 days of my life... but it was still amazing

slacker

OOPS. I have been very bad about this whole thing. Between homecoming week, multiple feild trips, and sickness, i have not found much time to blog.
So basically... this is the dealio:
I have been seeing a chiropractor mondays, wednesdays, and fridays to correct my neck and junk
I have been seeing my boyfriend every tuesday...
I have been in school
I have been babysitting
I have been in Ohio...
I have been preparing for HC week
I have been in scholars bowl tournaments
I have been at scholars bowl practice
I have been in drama
I have been in debate
I have been helping prepare science club
I have been doing spanish work
I have been keeping an insight journal.
I have been trying to keep up with Algebra II
I have been in church
I have been fundraising
I have been teaching
I have been Hiking
I have been skating
I have been to a Renaissance Festival
I have been busy...
=)

the shit hits the fan

SO...
We had a tournament that we hosted at school for drama/debate...
and one of our 'leaders' decided to talk about our AMAZING coach... and say bad things to another team....
Giving us a bad name.
so... it was addressed today, and just like that... things BLOW up... and we find out that this kid went through a personal email inbox that belonged to our coach...
long story short... MY integrity ended up being the only positive about this afternoon...
Christi, aka Mrs. Ridley left school sick... and I was stuck with her classes and a sub... who was slightly less than sure of my ability to handle the class...
I mean... really...? I LIVE THERE!

y7e9

yesterday
or maybe the day before...
I was sitting with you...
but you somehow are gone...
for months according to the headstone
but how...
how does august turn to october.
and how dare it?
the world just keeps moving
why don't they wait for me...
why didn't you wait
until i was ready for you to leave?
see how you have left me...

continue

I am needing to continue blogging.
I miss it... and I have been getting depressed again. this was my vent... and I NEED it back...
so, again, I will resume AT LEAST once a week.
I have been feeling angry lately...
at dead people none-the-less...
I am SO mad at them for being gone... =(

Longest absence?

Been gone for a while. UBER busy with school and stuff. I figured some pictures were in order.

relationships?

I am in another relationship. no more Casey, that's for sure...
and I texted a couple people to tell them... and all at once, I felt like a teenager again. No longer carrying the weight of the world on my back. I was, in that very moment... a kid again... experiencing ups and downs, making mistakes, and finding myself.
I felt so very relieved to think: 'HMM... I don't HAVE to be a grown up yet! I CAN simply experience these teenager moments.'
I, by no means, am a typical teenager... but, it's nice to not have to feel like me... to be able to feel and experience some of the things I hear about....
pretty amazing, I must say.

Justih

Justin, my little brother is struggling in school. We decided to home school him!

In Christi's Room

I am in Christi's class right now. They are being chatty.... Whats new?
HAHA. Anyway... I am in a alright mood today... especially compared to yesterday.
This weekend, we went to Christi's daughter, Elle's, birthday party. Then I went into a lock-in for church to plan the lesson which we led in church yesterday. Christi and her kids were there, and my aunt brought her girls... we had the largest turn out of the quarter, and largest love-offering at the end. We sold ALL f our crafts in the sale, and successfully moved from one building to another. =)
I love the new building, as we have classrooms... and a nice place to meditate. xD pure excitement.

no posts.

Sorry. I have not posted. I have had too many deaths for one week... and I am just now deciding that that week is over... this is a new one. =)
I will be back to posting... maybe in christi's room tomorrow!

gone?

How is this for real?
One friend, suicide last night...
another, gone in what seemed to be a flash, even though we have expected it for years.
I am scared...
death is scary

Hello new begining!

HAHA. We have a new church building... sort of
We will have classrooms
and a sanctuary
=)
We voted today to move
and it was almost unanimous
I am psyched!

Gavin

Last night... I got a text from Christi telling me they were in the ER
Gavin broke his arm and needed surgery!
OUCH!

Gross boobs

SOOOO. I was walking through the mall with Julianna in Florida, and I say "HMMMM.... I wonder if that mannequin has real boobs?! "
S0...
My experimant concludes: fake.
HAHAHA

Flying HIGH

I'm not high, but I am loving life. I had an awesome summer, and shared my story with many people...
and I am grateful... to have so many loving people no matter what.
Casey may be history... but I have been talking to a new person... more my type... xD
I love it

Everything is WONDEROUS

videooooo

doubtful thoughts

Do you ever feel like there is doubt in your mind? What happens next? And why can't God simply send us a true unexplainable proof of her existence?
I don't believe in hell, and I don't believe in the devil... but I do wonder why our faith is tested...
and I also wonder if it really is testing faith... or if there is simply nothing to look forward to after this... and if there is simply no god... how sad would that be? billions of people commit themselves to god...
and we don't even know if she exists.

Carmen.

If I could say anything to her right now, it would be this:
Carmen, I love you so much. I feel so blessed to have been a part of your life, and so blessed to have you influence mine. You are so inspirational, and I will never forget who you are. You are a great teacher, even outside of the classroom. Your optimism always brings a big smile to my face, and reminds me that the glass is always half full, even if it had to sit through a storm to get that way.
You have lived to the fullest, and touched so many peoples lives. I pray that God scoops you into her arms and cradles you until you are comfortable. May your journey be safe, and full of bliss. You will be missed by many, but we all may find comfort in knowing that God has you wrapped in a warm, comforting hug until we arrive after you.
Thank you for being.
Thank you for speaking.
Thank you for teaching.
Thank you.

Boy oh boy!

Today I went shopping. I love shopping.
I think I am feeling sort of pessimistic today. I don't like it at all.
I feel gross, and I feel like I am falling. I have a good feeling there is a trampoline at the bottom of this drop though... and I can jump up with everything I have. =)

Should anything ever happen to me... I don't want anyone to feel sadness like this... but I want to live to be the best person I can be...
I just never want my loved ones to have to mourn my death. It's a horrible pain that I hope they never feel because of me... I would not want to ever let them feel this...

I thought I'd share an Amy Steinberg quote:
"Snapshots of my life caught between raindrop memories of you and me. Standing in this quicksand I am sinking into memories of you and me. How can this be true? That all these years have passed, and I am still not over you. Oh, how can I still grieve over your memory?"

Today,,, oh how I dislike thee

Well, the title is only half true. it should be this afternoon that I dislike.
I woke up at a decent time
and headed to school for the day
because I am a weird person.
SOOOO.
I got there and did my peer
teaching stuff that i needed to
and I headed down to Christi's room

I got A LOVELY SET OF BIRTHDAY PRESENTS
and I adore them
I picked on Christi
which is a hobby of mine

THEN...
I came home
and mom lost her jopb
and Carmen is in the hospital
and isn't expected to pull through the weekend.
and I am afraid

Look around

Can you take a minute. Consider every person you love. Not just family, and not friends, and not just romantic love.
Consider people you would cry for. Consider people who have given you anything, whether it be advice, knowledge, money, a hug... anything at all.
Now... imagine one person you know... a whole family you know.
You know these people... and care about them...
and you find out... one of them is going to die this week.
Now what do you do?
What do you say to them?
What about to their family?

I had this happen...
and spent 4 hours with the person...
knowing she would die...
and she is going to...
.but when?
I don't know.
The optimists all become pessimists at one point or another
and the loving all display hatred

Even if they return to who they once were...
they're all affected by the events

I love so many people.

Hay Dorkos Mio

So, Dorkanna and I made a Dorktionary in Dorklando. haha.
I already miss Orlando.
I came home yesterday, safe and sound, and TRULY miss Orlando once again... I feel like visiting almost put me back at square one....
but it was the single most enjoyable vacation I have ever taken!

Pics in Flo-ho

Beach Dayyyys

I woke up at 5:30 to catch the sunrise in the harbor. I snuck into Arianna's room and quietly woke her as a way to spend our time together. She has BAD middle child syndrome. We hit it off well though, so I offered to let her walk with me this morning, and she asked to tag along... so we were at the beach for sunrise.
Then we came back to the condo, and we slept again until breakfast.
We went OUT to the beach a little later. We say little nurse sharks, and then when low tide rolled in, we saw dolphins and swam out to meet them. I got about 3 feet away, buit I didn't touch because of the laws....
ANYWHO....
We came back, went to the pool, played racketball... and OH... wait until you hear this:
Deanna sat at the beach all day, and ended up with a triangular sunburn on her tummy.
We couldn't figure out how it happened... and then I realized, it was because her BOOBS casted a shadow on her tummy... lol