A great Sunday

A few months ago... todays events would have made me laugh to think about...
I started the day with no alarm... at 7am... That in itself would have never happened. Then, I got dressed, as I looked forward to church... (Another far fetched thing for the old Sami.) At church... I received a text message (NEVER would have been texting in Orlando) from Mrs. Ridley (And a TEACHER nonetheless.) I ended up going to see "UP" with her, her daughter, her husband, and her son... So that would have been an EXTREMELY far fetched tale...
BUT, she payed for me... and bought me a drink and such.
Then we went to McKay, which is a used book/music store. She insisted <---- LITERALLY --- on getting me a book. I ended up with one... and helped her pick out some new CDs. We have the same taste in music. Then we headed to walmart... where we ran into a BUNCH of kids from school...
HAHA.
I would have never imagined this being a perfect day in my mind

I post a LOT

I have recently realized I am posting 3-4 blogs daily. It's pretty amazing to me... in a few years... I will be able to look at the week I created this blog, and I will be able to remember what I was doing. I will be able to go back and look at what I was thinking, and what I wanted to do. I will be able to look back, and see myself GROW as a person... =)

pictures of the past few days

These are just a few of the many moments I want to remember from the week. =)

A quick funny happening

OK. It's very short.
Kristopher and I were sitting with my mom while she was playing this stupid family feud game... and the question was "Something Adults Sleep with to Feel Safe." AND without hesitation, Kris says "A condom?"

Alanis is my homie

If you have yet to notice the playlist I have had here for months... I have a lot of Alanis songs... and I have grown really attached to some of the songs. =) I love this woman... My favorites right now:
Praise of the Vulnerable Man
So Unsexy
Incomplete
Citizen of the Planet
and the ENTIRE Jagged Little Pill album... =D
I thought I'd share...
You should listen to incomplete... it's amazing

Awesome Plans

OK. I am trying to stay busy so I don't get upset about summer. Monday, though nobody else is... I am going to school... We WERE going to see a movie after school monday... and we have to reschedule...
Then TUESDAY... i have a karate class, and I could say a LOT about that... but I won't... I will simply say:
My mom has been telling me I am not involved... and I think it is because she is not evolved in my weekly activities... SHE seems to think an extra hour and a half after school daily is not enough to qualify for being INVOLVED
But, suddenly, and hour of Karate that SHE will be participating in with me... is enough to qualify for being envolved... and she thinks its in my head....
ANYWAY
Wednesday, we are having a tie-dye party... and thursday, I will make plans!!!

Somebody is just peachy

Or not. Mom came home from that meeting at church, and she is bitchy. She blames it on Esther and her kids... I am the only one she hasn't blamed... and as a "mutual" person in this, I think she is the only one to blame for this irritability... I love my mom, but GOSH, she can be a grumpy ass.
Still... to this day... I have never said I hate my mom... 16 years... about to be 17... and I am doing good.
(Affirmation relevant to this moment)
I am blameless for another persons anger.

--------------------
I went back and edited this just now to say... she needs to get out of the house here soon... because now she is snapping at me... and I haven't done anything worth the temper... so... she needs to eat or something.. she is trying to be patient... as am I... but really... chill

Keeping in touch

I will continue to say I hate going away from school for 3 months. I know it sounds geeky, but I really treasure the stability it offers. I am starting to just think, maybe I will make a SUPER DOOPER effort to stay in touch with those people around me... maybe.
I love the people I have met here... yes, some of them are absolutely ignorant... and I can't stand the amount of hate... but I love the ones who I have gotten close to of course... =)

I want a tattoo

OK. I have been thinking on tattoos.. and for a while, I decided against getting any. Recently... I have decided, I REALLY want a dragonfly on my foot.
My Aunt Chris, who passed away last year, LOVED dragonflies... and everytime I see one... no matter where or when it is, I think of her...
Before she died... I didn't see her much... but I remember her, and I loved her... I still love her.
I have been in a dragonfly mood, and I have had dreams about her, and memories.
It's a sign, of some sort.

Today is a blessing

I went to school, and I took my final. I have had issues with this teachers lack of positive vibes, you could say. She has been very rude to me... and I just have been the most kind, and christ like I can... WELL... I had to take her final today... and when I walked in... she gave me that look... you know, the "I don't like you" look. I smiled, and asked how her day went... heehee.
WELL... I aced that test... with a score OVER 100.
WOO. Then I went to the next class, which was Mrs. Ridley for me... sorta... haha.
I ended up going to her daughters award ceremony... and I know I have said in a previous blog how gorgeous she is... and I finally got a picture. =)
After the ceremony, we went back to the High School. It was Mrs. Ridleys planning period, so she headed out and got pizza for us... I let Elle help me out with the music we listened to, and then we taught her to make a hemp necklace, and she figured out the beading and everything on her own.
During the last period, a few kids came in... and when they left, I felt extremely welcome by Mrs. Ridley and her kids, because they were happy I was staying, and Elle was particularly a source of my happiness, because when I said I was staying, she was very happy, and her mom said that was saying a lot about her opinion of me, because usually she is ready to get rid of her moms students.... but, she insisted THEY hang around until I have to leave, and that I stay as long as I could.
I love being loved!

I can do it

I am one of the few who dislike summer... but it is true. We always move in the summer... and we never have the stability that we have in school. I go in to summer unsure of what is to come. Crazy, I know... but I hate leaving the security school offers me.... I hate leaving the people who are in it... and I hate the feeling I get when I walk out, knowing I may not come back, and I won't see those people for a long time, if I ever see them again...
So, I am going in on monday, for exam make-up day. Joyous make up day... not a single one of my classes will have a student in them... =/

Silly pictures

OK. Recently, a LOT of people, here, facebook, and on myspace have asked why I have silly faces in my pictures.
I want to clarify...
It is not as a "need to fit in" on myspace. I have been trying to keep things that I find fun as a part of my life. I have recently been drawing with sidewalk chalk, beading, and doing things I did when I was little, not caring what people think, ONE thing I used to LOVE as a child, was that my mom would always take pictures... one would be a smile, and one would be a silly face... I ALWAYS looked forward to silly faces... and now, I have been posing like that as a stateement that I am having fun, and I don't care if I have silly faces in my pictures... because only my opinion matters, and I am confident no matter how I look...
=)

She's the poop

MRS. RIDLEY IS THE POOP!
I have spent and am still spending the day in Mrs. Ridleys room. In 1st period, we made jewelry. =) I still need pics, I brought my camera. Then 2nd period was pretty mellow.
SO... Because Mrs. Ridley LOVES me, she bought me Taco Bell for LUNCH! How awesome. She ran to TB and left me in the class. I wrote her this big long note on the board that reads:
"OK
Mrs Ridley, you are a super-awesome amazing individual. EVEN though you were not my teacher, I know you're great. I am very happy I met you this year! You are SO nice, open-minded, and down right understanding. I really feel like I can trust you, and I whole heartedly appreciate that security. Thank you so much for all you have done!"

Missing home

I am listening to the broadway station... and "All for the Best" from Godspell came on... and it is a full cast song... and when I heard it, I couldn't help but visualize the scene we performed in front of Oak Ridge High School last year. It is so amazing how a show impacts you like that. I especially thought of Steve and the struggles behind the scenes with that particular show.
When I think of the show, I first think of the performance... then I reminice in all that went on while curtains were closed. It was the most amazing cast I can remember working with, and I was surrounded by amazing people who I adored. =)
I miss you ORHS drama... and I am sad you won't be back... =(

love them

We had awards for Drama Club yesterday. Paco won best actor, and I was bummed because I really wanted it. WELL, I was in Mrs. Ridleys room in 1st period, and Mrs. Ridley and Paco made me a "Best Actor Award" and it said that I am amazing and beautiful. I love the people I am surrounded by.

Thank you.

It is the end of the year for us. I was in Mrs. Ballews room this morning, and almost cried at the thought of breaking up team firecrotch. SIGH. I left her a BIG note on the board. I never expected to say it... but I am going to miss Seymour High. =)

Sucked it up

I stayed after school today, sucked it up, and told Mrs. Ridley my secret. I feel good about it.
Then I went with drama club to Wonder Works. I had a total blast. I love drama. I am SO happy to be a part of it.
I think that is all I feel like writing now.
Maybe more will come tomorrow... or later tonight
LOVE ALWAYS

Life is good.

Today, I went to Dollywood with the most amazing friends. We rode almost ALL the rides, and just were non stop. I got a decent tan, and then we went to sonic. I came home, and Grandma made these AMAZING portobellos seasoned JUST right. Then I just had hot fudge sundaes, and I sat down, and my memory card restored. I love life, and the people in it. I don't want to fastforward... I just want to be... and I know good is coming my way.



These are the moments I live for. This is life... it really is...
Think... what is life about?
Surrounding yourself with people who care about you...
Enjoying what god has blessed you with...
Acting without fear, or worries

If you think life is about something more serious, you are TOO wrapped up in what man has created, and not what god made LIFE for...
I honestly don't think he created us to build this 'ideal' image and advance in technology... I think he built us to add to love, and happiness... =)

pooʍʎןןop

SO... I took a couple pictures... but not many. We had a blast. I WOULD be uploading pictures, but my memory card is STUPID, and won't work. GRRRRR

pooʍʎןןop

I am off to hang out with my gay lover today. I don't know if my camera will work in my favor, but if so... I will post pictures tonight.
My thing I need to say...
There are a group of people I have met, who have made Tennessee worth while... I can literally name them all... BRANDON!!!! Elizabeth, Andie, Casey, Carlee, Laura, MRS. RIDLEY, MR. CHARLIE, JEANNE, JUDI, Lora Beth, Matha, (yea... there is no R in her name.) Jonah, Peter, and most importantly... Myself.
I really think I met myself BECAUSE of these people. It's quite amazing. I was never this social... and suddenly, I have so many friends...
I'm off to be with part if Team Fire Crotch

pıʞ ǝןʇʇıן

I was a little kid today. I got to go to burger king with my brother, and cousin... we played in the play place for 2 hours... haha... hide 'n' seek.
I am so ADD. I forgot I was it...
haha... I have to get some sleep. I will be leaving to go to dollywood in 12 hours and still need a shower and to find clothes.

pıʞ ǝןʇʇıן

I was a litle kid today. I got to go to burger king with my brother, and cousin... we played in the playplace for 2 hours... haha... hide'n'seek.
I am so ADD. I forgot I was it...
haha... I have to get some sleep. I will be leaving to go to dollywood in 12 hours and still need a shower and to find clothes.

ʎppɐp

We are preparing fathers day for church... and I was sitting thinking about my dad... and he has such a different story.
He is not my biological dad... but, even as a teenager, he stepped in to take care of me. He is my father... he is my daddy. My dad is an amazing person. He taught me to throw a punch, and to ride a bike, and to tie my shoes. He is patient, and he is fun.
He taught me to throw a football, and he painted my toes. He let me braid his hair, and he braided mine. He carried a Winnie the Pooh lunchbox to work for a LONG time, because I gave it to him.
I love you dad.

ʎʇʇıʞ

Oreo. These are pictures of the result of the fight... =(

ƃuıpɐoן

I can NOT stand this thing. If you use blogger, you know what I am talking about

ƃuıʞıɥ

We went hiking today. I sat by the river alone for almost an hour... just thinking. It was amazing. It was ALL for Kristopher's birthday. =)

oǝɹo

=( My kitty got in a fight with another cat, and because he was declawed, he couldn't defend himself, which was precisely our fear in declawing him.
SOO... My grandma and aunt heard them fighting in our back yard, and went out to try and find him. After being unsuccessful, they FINALLY let the dog out, and he ran the other cat off.
We still couldn't find him. They left the garage cracked open so he could sneak in if he would like. THEN, the next morning, we STILL could not find him. The dog was going a little nuts, so we decided we would try it.
We said "OK Bits, where is he?" he took us to the garage, and we noticed Wally's car window was open, and the cat had jumped in there to escape. He was terrified, and wouldn't let ANYONE touch him.
My mom got home, and took him to the vet. They sedated him, and gave him some shots...not the comic relief: THEY SHAVED HIS ASS!!!

¿ƃoɹɟ ǝɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ

OK. So, OBVIOUSLY Casey and I broke up quite some time ago... and a lot has happened. I have not even SEEN his mom in MONTHS. He actually has been OFF my mind... and today, on the way home from dinner, I was thinking about the fact that I wanted to talk to Melissa, Casey's MOM, and tell her what REALLY happened... and then, just like that, I came home, and sat on facebook, and the woman who DID NOT have a Facebook when I was dating her child, suddenly had one... and REQUESTED me...
We have 0 mutual friends, which means TODAY, she had to actually TYPE in my name to find me. We share NO networks, and NOTHING at all that would make me appear somewhere...
SO WEIRD
It's a SIGN... I am TOTALLY going to tell her what happened... so I can feel like I did the honest thing.

ƃuıʞuıɥʇ

OK. So, I posted a post about an emotional yesterday. Rebecca commented about me not wanting to cry in front of people... and after YEARS of not wanting to cry in front of people... I realized... I may need to have somebody in my life I can let in on everything... like... the stuff I don't even blog about. Its sort of weird in my opinion that I HAVE let Mrs. Ridley in, and I don't know what gives me that trust. WELL, I think, just maybe, I am going to suck it up and tell her my big secret. I won't post it here... but, maybe one day I will... when I come to terms with it... but for now... SOMEBODY other than Brandon and my EX should know... like... female... and who so I trust more than Mrs. Ridley...?
But yeah... She asked me if anything RECENT or CURRENT was bringing me down... and... I said yes... but was too scared to go into it... but REALLY what am I scared of?
But ever since this secret developed, I have been DYING to tell somebody, and continue to chicken out. I think I need to move on, and in order to do that, I need to get it out.
=)


Today I didn't go to 1st or 2nd period. I sort of just hung out in Mrs. Ridleys and helped her out. We chatted, but I avoided the mentioned topic above. Then I stayed after school and hung out with a few people. I am going to the mountains for a picnic tomorrow. It should be fun.

ɯnɥ oɥ

Ho Hum Pigs Bum.
I made it. I didn't cry... I made it ALL the way through the day, even after the emotional rush of thoughts.
It is amazing how we can start a conversation, and our minds can pull us to think of what we don't want to...
OK. I spoke too soon... now I am crying.
I think I am happy more than any, that I have such amazing people in my life, who support me, and really give a damn...
I am also frustrated with myself in a sense... oh well...
I <3 myself. God made me this way for a reason.
I am a powerful person.
I can handle this!

ןɐuoıʇoɯǝ

I have officially told Mrs. Ridley the darker side of my story, and I still, did not cry in front of anyone. I teared up... but, didn't cry.
I have such a fear of crying around people. I feel so weak and vulnerable. I have to grow to trust somebody to a GREAT extent... and even then, I feel like that is when I am vulnerable...
She knows I teared up, and I felt bad then because I know it made her feel bad... BUT I finally put on a laugh to let her feel like I was OK, so she would go pick up her daughter.
Then I went inside to the school and realized she left without her pictures on pick up day... gah... I, on the bright side, got a GREAT look at her pics, and her kids are so adorable.
Ell, her daughter, looks absolutely gorgeous in the pictures, and Mrs. Deborah and I were saying AWE as we went through all the photographs.

uoıʇɐɹʇsnɹɟ

That is exactly what I am feeling. Frustration... Gosh. Like, I have been trying to sort things out in my OWN mind about everything with *somebody* and this *somebody* can not give the space I need to think things through... SO, RATHER than coming to forgiveness, I am overcome with frustration and JUST as I start to calm down, he appears and frustration builds up again!!! GAHHH

ɯǝod

I wrote this a long time ago, but felt myself go through those stages today... SO... here it is.

Oh God, are you home?
I knock, but nobody answers.

When I am feeling so alone,
Dear God, smile on me!

Oh God, are you there?
I call, but get a busy tone.

When I sit at home and stare,
Dear God, smile on me!

Oh God, who are you?
I look, but the name tag is blank.

When I bend to tie my shoe
Dear God, smile on me?

Oh God, I'm going to sleep
I give up, you don't exist.

When I smile, and when I weep
Dear God, smile on me.

Oh God, you are around
I heard from you last night

When I could hear no sound
Dear God, you smiled on me.

ɥɔʇıq

I feel like I am being bitchy today, and I am feeling to comfortable for my own good...
and then Wally, my aunt, ALWAYS seems to come across bitchy to me. I know she does not intend to, but she does.

ɥƃıs

"Right now in my current situation I really really like this girl but I mean who knows. Everyday I just feel as if I wasted it because said girl either doesn't talk to me or acknowledge me. I feel what no person has to feel but everyone does lonliess. She is optimistic, funny, carefree, and all together a very interesting person yet I feel as if my friend really doesn't have the same feelings that I do for her. I mean yes she probably doesn't but then I've resolved myself to be her friend maybe in fact her bff. BUT then my thoughts lead back to the inevitability of change. . . "
That was what Paco wrote on his bulletin.
He told me the girl was me... I know it was anyway...
but the thing is, he was the FIRST person I came out to. So, he knows I don't like BOYS I suppose, and he told me today how I make him sad, but he still loves me as his best friend... and I just feel so horrible... I, somewhat AM to blame for this persons emotions. USUALLY I would tell somebody not to feel bad, but I feel like a bitch.

ןnɟdןǝɥ

I felt extremel helpful today. I was in Mrs. Ridleys and ran around and did some errands. I also am taking some counts for recycling club. I am awesome... yes. I am sad about today, but I am still happy to move on to next year. I had to say bye bye to my senior friends. =/ sigh

ƃuıʎouuɐ

GOSH! those "a.n.t.s" are back. I am not sure if they are true. I have to learn to trust others to tell me if I am being annoying... because I always feel like it... but I assume people will say something. I don't know. I am so sensitive.
Now I am crying because my mom always walks away when she is frustrated. She gets me all worked up because she INSISTS on talking with me... and just like that, she gets this look on her face, and it always pisses me off... and she always goes "I don't wanna talk about this" and walks away...

pooƃ s,ǝɟıן

OK. I realized. This blog, is really a small story of my life. It's crazy... like... there are so many characters... I have had so much drama and cray stuff. I think I will write an E-Book in another blog. like... with chapters and everything.

ʎuɐɥdıdǝ

I had a thought.
OK. So, oddly enough, *certain people* want to do everything they can to help people... and to make them feel good about themselves. They work so hard to encourage, and push people to be what they can be... and yet, refuse to give themselves that same encouragement.
I suppose it seems like it is my random thought of the day, but in reality, it is a very clear message to somebody.

ʎɐp pooƃ

I have indeed had a good day. It all started this morning when brandon picked me up and brought me to school. We went to McDonalds and got sweet tea. There was a sub in first, and in second, we put away a lot of costumes and such. Then I went to Mrs. Ridleys, and she looked at this blog. haha.
I sort of let her in on my "secret story" in my personal life... and I feel comfortable with it. It's that type of story that even the closest people don't know...
I feel very comfortable talking to her about some things... others... you just DON'T say to a teacher... haha... if she wants to know she will read it here... LOL
Then 4th period came, and I finished this project... and found ou ALL my gateway tests had a 40+ AKA advanced. =)
After school, Brandon, Kayla, and I went to Starbucks and Walmart. We always have fun together. haha. I am psyched about the week. It is starting off so great. =)
THEN I come home and I was talking to my mom about the blue whale... which I am doing a project on... and we were talking about how much whale sperm is in the ocean. SO, Mom looks at me and says "Well, I know YOU'VE had a mouth full of salt water"
-.- EEEWWW